The Switch Tree


There are several instances where I think of when my momma reached over and smacked the dog shyt outta my siblings and I… We could be walking thru a grocery store and whoever is pushing the cart that day was told one thing… “Let that grocery cart hit my heel just once, swear you gone lose all your fronts (i.e. teeth)…” Better yet; “Keep slamming my screen door like that and I’m gonna beat da black off you boy; what you trying to do cool off the entire neighborhood! Stay yawl azz outside!!! But momma it’s 107 degrees out here and we thirsty… Swallow ya spit boy…”  

Back in the mid 70’s; we had no idea what child abuse was; all we knew is that if our momma abruptly pulled the car over at one of those Switch Trees; it wasn’t gonna end well. The Switch Tree stop was when we really messed up, like getting a bad report card. Looking back, the azz whooping’s were epic because she did it with grace.  Oh you think I’m playing today don’t you boy“; as the car pulls over to the side of a gravel road. As the car door opens and all you hear is the ding ding ding from the ajar door along with quiet snickering from the other siblings who are exempt from this heavy weight azz whooping. “Shut up yawl, it ain’t funny“.

This is when you start praying to God and the prayer requests are so asinine… Crying; “Dear Lord, please let momma wreck this car on the way home, I don’t wanna get my azz busted…” The worst part of it all is when she would narrate the azz whooping. While plucking leaves off the switch; keeping 3 at the top for centrifugal force, she says, “Got me coming to that school for a conference and you up in their acting a dayum fool, oh I’m gone show yo‘ azz, now get in dat room and strip to your drawlz boy… With a pause between each word and swing, she begins… “How you gone be the kid, that the teacher tells to put his entire desk outside in the hallway during class! So you a comedian now huh, well make me laugh dammit..” I’m in my Scooby Dooby drawlz, C-Walkin, trying to avoid every swing she takes…


Now, I didn’t know that was a rhetorical statement she made at the time when she demanded for me to make her laugh but I was much obliged to assist because I felt that my work was worthy of an audience. Have you ever tried to tell a joke during an azz whooping? Well dat shyt don’t work, especially with your momma. Now I talk about my momma a lot and about certain things but I love her with all my heart. She raised us to be distinguished men. She had to be tough to raise four boys with no help and I commend her for that every chance I get… So reach out to your mother today and tell her how much she means to you. Tell her about your final azz whooping she gave you, I think we all remember that one as well. If you never received any azz whoopin’s from your momma, smack yourself 39 times hard in the face or how old you are…


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